Simon's Cat
by LittleBooLost
Summary: Cats are just as loyal as dogs.


Simon scratched his head thoughtfully, staring at the list in his hand. He didn't have the slightest idea how to pack a suitcase – and it wasn't like he could ask Sue for help either. She'd gone out with Vix to ensure all the plans for the wedding were complete. It was quite the dilemma. Simon wanted desperately to prove to Sue that he could cope alone with organising their honeymoon – and that obviously entailed packing. Alone.

He decided to start with the basics. Retrieving the suitcases from the back of the wardrobe proved to be no big deal. Unzipping them was no problem either. But then he was stuck.

"Simon." There was a small voice behind him. He spun round quickly, looking in all directions to make sure no one had heard. Why, he wasn't quite sure. Nobody else was home.

"What do you want?!" Simon hissed in an irritated voice, stepping towards the cat.

It purred in reply, hopping onto the dresser elegantly. "I thought you could do with a hand.." The cat padded slowly towards Simon.

"No. _No. _You 'helping' me _never _ends well. Don't even think about it! Besides"- He looked around again. "We shouldn't even be talking to each other. You know what Sue thinks about your powers."

The cat snarled in a bored fashion, and rose up onto its hind legs before beginning to speak in a mocking voice. "Ooh, look at me, I'm Sue, the ginger _hooooman_. I hate Simon's cat because it defies the laws of science so I punish it by saying 'Ew, you dumb cat; get off the counter!' and 'Stop eating my food, duuuhhhhhh!"

Simon pivoted on his heel, marching away from the feline. Biting hard on his lower lip, he tried hard not to laugh at his cat's impersonation of his fiancée – which, in all fairness, was quite accurate.

Having composed himself, he turned back to the animal, which was watching him with a smug expression.

"Have I convinced you yet?"

The short, curly haired man stared intensely at the cat, before nodding slowly.

The feline creature rose its intelligent head, staring at the ceiling. Slowly, its irises and pupils melded into the whites of his eyes, making it look like some sort of possessed thing. Simon shuddered. Things with a horror theme had never been something he enjoyed – secretly, he was much more preferring of a good ol' chick flick.

Abruptly, the creature's neck snapped round and he looked at Simon.

"Where is the ginger hooman?"

"I – what?" Simon stared at the cat, taken aback by its question.

"Where is the ginger hooman?"

"Sue's at Glasgow Wedding Planners with her sister. Why on earth does that matter? I thought you were giving me a helping hand?"

The cat stared at him with a small smile. "I am giving you a helping hand, my dearest Simon."

With that, the animal leapt towards the window, front legs outstretched. It smashed through the double-glazed glass and soared up into the sky. Within a few short moments, it was gone.

WRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWR

Sue and Vix were working their way through the preparations list, accompanied by Jamie, the gay man who owned the "fabulous" business. As of yet, he'd done no work – more concerned with re-applying his pink eyeshadow. There was a knock on the door and the trio looked up curiously. Now clutching a purple nail file, Jamie smiled winningly at Sue.

"Susanna, darling, would you be so kind as to answer the door?"

Sue looked like she'd been slapped in the face with an overly large tuna.

"Erm, _no! _How about you do it? I haven't seen you doing any wedding planning today!"

Looking slightly put out, Jamie stalked over to the door. He wrenched it open, and his eyes widened at the intruder.

"Meow."

Sue turned slowly, full of rage. Unable to see past her sister, Vix stood up and laughed in delight.

"Aww, Sue! Look, it's Simon's kittycat!" The younger woman ran over to it. She was really the only person besides Simon who enjoyed being in the cat's company. Bending down to pet the feline, she cooed in a silly voice.

"What are you doing here, then, my favourite fluffball? Did you miss Soosoo?"

Seething, the science teacher stood up and stalked towards the cat. Roughly, she shoved her sister out of the way. Unbalanced, Vix tumbled over the animal and rolled out the door. As she stood up to step back in, it slammed in her face – effectively locking her out.

Sue got down on her knees, glaring at the bane of her life with half lidded eyes.

"I don't know what you're doing here, so I want an explanation. Now."

The cat obliged.

"Simon needs a helping hand."

Upon hearing the cat speak, Jamie gave a high pitched scream of terror, diving into the fireplace and crawling up the chimney. He didn't even care about the soot on his clothes.

"Huh?" Sue stared at the cat, unable to say anything coherent.

It launched itself at her face, clawing each layer of skin off, and removing her eyes from her sockets. The ginger human screamed in terror and agony, writhing about the floor. Irritated by her protests, the cat stuffed its tail into her mouth, and waited calmly as she suffocated.

Meanwhile, Jamie was panicking on the rooftop. The poor man was traumatised, and it didn't help when Simon's cat flew up out of the chimney and away. He promptly fell to the floor and died.

What a good helping hand Simon's cat gave.


End file.
